A Blue Halloween

I woke up this morning feeling nothing in particularly different other than just "off". My moods the last few weeks have been at times a little on the grumpy side and I know he has been on my mind, more than just a passing glimpse. I focused on the tasks in front of me, and I will continue to do so. But at the same time, my heart and mood have been focused on not feeling, not feeling the loss of my buddy, Teo. I know I am all about my pets, and I am sure people think I am nothing more than the "pet lady", but to me, any animal that has ever come into my life holds a piece of my heart. Teo is no different. In fact, Teo's piece is very fresh and today is accepting and honoring him the best way I can, while not allowing myself to sink backwards too much.

Oh I've made sure to do my daily things, well... minus going to work out, which I am sure everyone would "tsk tsk me" but in my defense, I know that I will walk the other two and one in particular I will make sure to take Blaze to the field we go to and watch  him run and be free, as all dogs should be, yet somehow watching a Jack Russell run at full gait the withers in his legs strong and firm, the smile on his face, the light in his eyes, gleaming as he looks and sniffs for the next rodent to bark and tell me he has found :).

C and I are going to carve pumpkins later today for Halloween, and then we are going to take one of the candles and I will then say my thoughts to Teo privately. I know he comes here often in spirit and as I am an empathetic person I have been having a lot of energy shifts this weekend. Knowing Teo, he always loved to be center of attention and it was nothing for him to jump on your lap and place his paws on your either side of your shoulders and while wagging his tale look at you and instantly melt your heart. So he most likely is wanting my attention and I like to think that the energy shivers I have been feeling are him more than likely jumping at me.

I had posted a picture of Teo on FB on a Jack Russell page and the reply really resonated with me, the words were  "they leave footprints on our hearts" I had never heard that saying before, and it is very true.

It is a gorgeous sunny but windy day, something that my dogs usually love to pieces. I would see the 3 of them with their noses in the air, inhaling the various scents the autumn day has brought.  Yet, with the fireworks soon to be going off, I know that if I am going to walk them, I best get it on soon. School will be let out soon, and I already saw left over fireworks in the grass at the park this morning.

Love, Live and Laugh your life is precious, treat it as such.

Please share your thoughts and views anytime, I'd love to hear from you!!

Halloween

The weekend is finally here, the one where everyone who loves to dress up can, and those that already do daily  feel more at ease with being true to themselves. So many fun things to do, parties, decorations and candy!! Some are even for the adults, but most are for the kidlets.

What is your all time favorite costume? Is there one that was your least liked? If so why? I can admit one year as a teen I went as Ms. Pacman. I remember it being all spongy and where the top of her head was, was where my own head came out, and she had the open mouth. Try bowling in that lmao! Then to go trick or treating up and down my street, I was one tired teen by the time all was said and done; but I had one heck of stash of candies.

What's your favorite candy?

 Mine is Hershey's Almond chocolate bar or Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. Unfortunately, they like my hips more now than before lol. But good memories always. One of my favorite tv shows has got to be anything with Charlie Brown of course! "IT'S THE GREAT PUMPKIN CHARLIE BROWN"  was on tv this week, hard to believe that first aired in 1966! Wow time sure flies by and it ages the heck out of me~!

This year I have the option of a couple of ideas as a costume, one is to go as a wench with my gorgeous Cheeki Cherry Boots which can be found here http://cheekicherry.com/products.php?cat=4&pg=7 and

and they even have a page on Facebook!! http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=638638085. I had gotten then at a trade show out in Vancouver last year, and they have maintained their shape, comfort and the ribbons have all lasted perfectly.

So who are YOU going to be this year? Send me your comments, would love to hear what your ideas are!

Ramblings

I don't know what I want to write about. Yet, I find myself staring at this page. I feel words bubbling to my lips, yet my lips feel glued or stitched, no words able to form and come out.

The next hot flash is simmering, I feel it on my skin and what I call "folds", which feels gross, but I get through it because I am doing something about my body changes. I've been doing some research and reading on all the major changes I have been going through since I had my surgery this past March. I am a work in progress, and I have had to learn kindness and patience; two things I am not very good at, especially towards myself.

No idea where this blog was supposed to go, but I just lost it.... right out of my head... blank like a chalk board, waiting to be used.

Needs

Exploring my needs, hmmm, interesting way of looking at my life. I've heard myself say "my needs aren't being met", yet until today, I didn't realize that there were so many options to the words "needs". I learned that there are Social, Intellectual, Physical, Emotional, Spiritual needs.

This is in a series that I have been doing for the last few weeks. The purpose is to explore, as I bottle my emotions and shut down. Eventually the lava starts to boil and then overflow, all is not productive to healthy conversations and emotions.

So I get to spend the next week before the next get together working through and brainstorming which of my "needs" is not being met because at present each of the needs posted above, they all are being met in one way or another, in small steps. However, the lesson stated was we have to figure out which one is actually being met. That seems very overwhelming. How on earth do I decide that all my Physical needs are being met? What constitutes the validity that all of one "need" is being met. I don't know, seems rather intense to me and it makes me feel anxious just trying to look at it all, let alone decipher.

A lump

Last night while making a fuss of my dog Blaze, my boyfriend noticed and asked me if I had felt a lump under Blaze's right front armpit? Puzzled I said no and that I would take a look as well. I instantly started to feel panic, I went and got my books on Jack Russell Terriers and started to do some research on lumps and bumps and if it is a common trait.

Blaze in the meantime, was snoring a way, no worse for the wear, I was beside him and so I felt the area. I tugged and squished the lump, it felt soft and squishy. The biggest notice was that Blaze never woke up, never fussed in discomfort, he didn't even flinch when I moved his front arm/paw! Somewhat relieved, I put up a message on my Facebook as I wanted to know if other JRT owners had ever had this problem. As the answers started to come in from friends and family. Two answers in particular struck me with comfort, one from my cousin who is a Vet Assistant, and one from a friend down in the states, who also works with animals. Both without knowing one another, said the same thing; that the most common answer would be that this lump would most likely be a "fat tissue" or lipoma.

After reminding myself that the only fact I had was the visual and touch of the squishy flesh, that the panic I was feeling and the sudden head swirling of "he doesn't have cancer or he can not die", will not help me at all. But at the same time, the reality of what I was seeing and could possibly deal with didn't leave my mind. I have since called my veterinarian and have booked an appointment for him. If nothing else to ease my mind and to have the confirmation that he will be ok.

I realize that my dogs will someday pass and go onto the Rainbow Bridge. Yet at the same time, they represent something so deep within my soul that some may think that I am not sane. I've learned that it doesn't matter what others think or feel, what does matter is what I think and feel. That my dogs are my life, they have been with me through years of trauma and at times, happiness. They have traveled from one Province to another, taken various road trips with me, attending friends places and have shared themselves with others in my past places of work.

Yet, through it all, a tail has always wagged, a lick has always waited, a snuggle and head rest on me have soothed me more than any medicine ever could have. The companionship that Blaze has given me, right from the moment he was born and in his early days of life, he chose me. He wanted me to be his owner and I realized very quickly that there was no going back. His sister Destiny is another that has a very special place in my heart, for she also chose me after she almost didn't make it at birth. I had resuscitated her and brought her back, all the while the phone on my ear with the emergency vet, a puppy inside my shirt and against my breast, and Blaze who I was cleaning with one hand the sac that he had lived in for those 62 days of creation. Their mom Jasmine was in the middle of birthing another pup and given it was her first litter she didn't want me going anywhere.

I am sure some would think I sound like a cliche, how a pet has impacted someone so much, and how lost they will feel when that time comes to let them go. But I know that through all the pets I have owned, I do not recall a dog quite like Blaze or his sister Destiny.  They both have marked my heart and my soul in ways that no human can ever replace, and I am positive wouldn't want to.

Ironically, from looking up information on Jack Russell Terriers has restarted my interest in supporting clubs here in Canada as well as seeking out JRT Rescue facilities. Not because I believe Blaze is in danger of passing, but because this was something I have always wanted to do, I have always wanted to run a Rescue facility, to give a safe home for dogs in need, and Jack Russells seem to come up a lot.

Progress and Changes

Monday, October 17, 2011, normally I don't post dates when I do something, but this day is marked down on my calendar. It is the day I took my body back! Yep that's what I have chosen to do, and in doing so, I checked out this gym in Cloverdale -

  Active Fitness & Training Centre  

that just so happens to have the Rockin' 

Noreen Marie of Mysfit Fitness!!

I chose Action Fitness & Training Centre as the place I wanted to  return to exercise and fitness because I had heard very reputable things about the place. The location is PERFECT for me, a mere 15 minutes from where I am, which is a huge perk for me.

The equipment is amazing and top of the line, not one machine is down for "maintenance", the washrooms are immaculate, not to mention large and spacious. There are also infra-red booths that are amazing for those looking to do a little in the weight loss department as well as boost your immune system!! Honestly there is so many things I could share here, but if I did that, what would be left for you all to go and see for yourself? LOL!

The staff are polite, knowledgeable and insightful. I personally found that whatever information I was inquiring about, whether it be the drop in rates to the group session times, information was easily provided.

I thought I would attach the news letter for October outlining the promotions currently happening!

 http://myemail.constantcontact.com/October-News-.html?soid=1108033525868&aid=L301IOtNAyg#fblike

The Challenge Within

It's very hard to believe I am not the same woman I once was. Often you could hear me saying "back in the day...." which often was followed by "I could do this and that, with no problem". It is true, at one time I trained 6 days a week on average 2 hours a day in martial arts, mix that with Tae Bo and Sparring and I was one lean machine, ready for competition and loving how my body and mind felt in unison.

I have realized as I am writing this it has been 10 years, since I trained like that, amazing how so much has happened in that time span. A marriage, divorce, a major move to another Province, career changes, 3 significant motor vehicle accidents (that affected me greatly) and various friendships and long term relationships.  There are other life changing events that I've left out of this blog as I want to keep them out of the internet universe.

So often I have found myself saying "I'm not the same woman I once was." Well after seeing what I wrote above, is it any wonder? I've been longing for that woman who competed, trained, had a sense of self, and determination about her craft. But I've also come to realize that I am now starting that path from scratch this week, Monday to be precise! I am meeting with my very dear friend who happens to be a personal fitness trainer and we are going to start from scratch with a weigh in and measurements. I can already hear the negative thoughts churning in my head because I know the numbers are going to be in the digits I have NEVER been in, just as is my weight and my clothes.

I grew up in an unhealthy and unrealistic environment where how much you weighed, measured and ate was as much a part of you as getting up, showering and going on about your day. I spent many a teenage day measuring myself, compulsively exercising in my bedroom with a woman's exercise magazine that my mother had used. She used to measure and weigh her food, and consequently so did I. When I didn't get the results that I wanted, I turned to laxatives and weight loss supplements like Dexatrim because I have been so paranoid of gaining the weight that has plagued some of my relatives, not taking into consideration that for them it may not even be because of food, but no one told me about thyroids and diabetes as part of a reason for their situations.

The Challenge within is not just the numbers on the scale, or how snug and in some instances clothing that no longer fits has been playing with my mind. Those days of laxatives and diet supplements call to me, remind me of how they worked on purging my body of fat or muscles if there wasn't fat to take away. I hold back because I doubt now, I doubt what will truly work and what won't. Now it is about getting my body to WANT to eat, the metabolism is slow and the cravings for carbs is a lot smaller than it used to be, however, the 5 meals a day I used to have that were as a means of keeping my blood sugar even, hasn't been happening; I'm lucky if I have lunch after I have breakfast and then dinner at a reasonable hour.

But to be fair on myself I have to remember that having a complete hysterectomy not even a year ago, has really been a challenge for me. Not just the removal of a menstrual cycle and such, but the adapting to NOT ever having a period is the small part to the operation. The bigger picture is dealing without having all of my female reproductive parts, including the necessary hormones that keep things such as the weight I have gained in balance. I've been told that this weight will move and that my body will return to where it was, but what people have failed to share is how long it will be til that happens. I've been told various comments from a short time after my surgery to as long as when my body would normally and naturally go into menopause. So with that in mind, I can see why I am continually challenged with my thoughts and what to do.

Now to add to the mix is my years of chronic depression and Borderline Personality disorder, both of which are under medical supervision and I am feeling more in tune and balance with myself, in this regard. The work I am doing on myself and my mental state I have always known is a huge part of not just my mental state but my physical state as well. If one is not in balance, than how can the other parts?

I know it is about baby steps and learning to love who is inside me, but the outside part wouldn't mind a few perks too :)

My Tribe

I'm having one of those days/nights. I want to write, although nothing in particular stands out as a topic. 

I could find things to talk about, that is never hard for me. *grins*

Right now I am wanting to add to my fur family. I have 2 dogs who I adore more than life itself. They have traveled with me from Alberta to BC, and are 6 and 11 respectively. My friends always say they are my children and always know that they seldom are not with me no matter where I go. 

Rizzo is very special to me, not only is he 11 years old, but he is a rescue who was in bad shape at 4 years of age. I knew the very first time I laid eyes on him, we were meant to be a family and I never looked back. He is very much a puppy spirit, with a determination never to give up, I think he could teach many a human a lesson or two on that alone! He has shown me unconditional love and I him, he really is one of a kind!

Blaze is my lil buddy. I helped deliver him 6 years ago. Originally he was to up for adoption with his sister and brother, but he wasn't having any part of that! He "chose" me and I realized very quickly, I not only had Momma Jas and Swamper, out of the litter of 3, there was now an addition or two! He is very loyal, playful, and so loving. I adore him as well. 

It wouldn't be right for me not to mention Mr. Jingles. He is the kitten who just turned a year old! He is full of  all sorts of spunk, one minute he will drive you crazy, and not two seconds later, he is up on you purring the softest of purrs I think I have ever heard come from a cat. Love him, or hate him, Mr. Jingles is part of our pack and he will tell you in case you didn't hear him the first time lol!

I don't know a time where I haven't owned a cat or dog or fish for that matter. Pets have a huge impact in my life and like with any creature, human or not, for every life that comes into my world, at some point there comes a time when some will leave for the Rainbow Bridge. It is never easy as each pet I've ever had, has such a special place in my heart. 

Teo came to me as a rescue, his one year anniversary of his passing is at the end of October. He has been on my mind a lot and I know he is never far from my heart and soul, but his personality, his kisses and the way he says "I love you" are forever imprinted in my mind and heart. 

I'm not sure what it is about wanting another pet to add to the mix, perhaps it is the business that having pets gives me; or it is the love and yes at times craziness that comes with a house full. But there is something about watching my pack bond, there is nothing quite like it. 

The Overwhelming Fear

My heart did more than jump, the feeling of emotions  like a volcano rising with lava all wanting to come to the surface at once.  Overwhelmed with sudden fear, the memories fresh... too fresh, wishing that I could put the lid back on the bottle.

Suddenly, deep within my core the jumbled words that couldn't be spoken, the words stuck like glue at the tip of my lips unable to come out. Then, words managed to escape my lips, but instead of calmness, frustration and fear, the lava that had been turning over and over, was now vocal. How fast could I pull everything together?

The moment had come where decisions needed to be made, I had to decide if I could push the fear away, could I look past the visual of being where I was asked to be? Suddenly anxious with being back in the moment, although not MY moment, the familiarity that was all very clearly going to be in front of me...... Could I pull it off? Could I show no emotion? Could I rise above what I was feeling, and go where I was asked to? 

I reflected on the days leading up to where I was, the memories suddenly fresher than I wanted to admit. The overwhelming fear now triggered and there was no way of going back. The only way to get through this was to be truthful and honest with myself and to those that needed to be involved. 

How was I going to get through all the physical feelings, the sweating, the rushing of my heartbeat? I didn't want medication, I wanted to cope using tools I could. 

It was with all of this that a quick decision had to be made, to do whatever it took to find the calm. I reached out to a confidant in an attempt to quell my fears. It was during this conversation that every fear, every emotion that brought me to where I was at that exact moment came out vocally. That what was once stuck at my lips, with the feeling of glue holding it in place, was no longer. 

I chose to exercise. I took my dogs for a walk, I visualized stomping every feeling with each step on the wet pavement.  When I eventually returned home, all I could think of was I wanted a hug. I wanted to feel safe, it is amazing how quickly I can go from feeling like I have so much to be thankful for and I am, that the anxiety of what was once my life, although no more, the wounds 3 years later still fresh (it reminded me of the proverbial band aid, that has been covering the injury while it heals). 

I realized then that as each step I am taking, recovery happens in layers, so too shall this one.

That little voice....

That little voice, we all have it, I swear mine talks to me constantly. I realize now it is something that has been hanging out with me all my life. Taught things from early in life to adulthood; funny though I don't recall any lessons where the lessons were taught?

I have associated the "negative talk" (that's the name I give my little voice), with the voice I sometimes hear in my head. It is that very voice that questions and throws doubt into my thoughts and causes things like anxiety and emotional turmoil to ruin some of my most productive of days.

A lot of the time that self doubt, the belief I can't do something (by the way, I am working on removing the word can't and should or shouldn't from my personal vocabulary), any and all negative words that fill my head, and before long are swirling in my mind causing me stress, which in turn makes me feel emotions that are not productive or healthy and before I know it I start to act out in behaviors that would be anything from anger to tears. Doesn't sound very healthy at all when I break it down like this; but this development is something I have been exploring and so far I am liking what I feel by breaking it down, like this. 

I have found ways to subdue the little voice when it is being bad; but having said that other times it is helpful to have that little voice as it does make you think twice about decisions that you are looking to make. Yes, even daily life decisions require a little voice that is not negative in thought, but questions why it is I may want to do or say something that may 

I have been reminding myself to stay in the present. It may seem so simple, and yet .... not. Lately I remind myself that I do not have the power to change anyone, or anything. I only have control over myself and my thoughts. Positive reinforcement such as being mindful, meditation, and affirmations are ways that have been working for me lately. I have been thinking of putting together a list of ways to remove the little voice that has nothing better to do than to be negative. One of the things that comes to mind is affirmations. Affirmations have helped me before, and as simple as they are, they are something that I have to remind myself to use because they aren't in my mind, as easily as the negative ones are. But, with time and lots of practice I know I will get there. 

Here are a list of Affirmations that I use to help me through the day. 

Positive Affirmations

- I am healthy and happy.

- I have a lot of energy.

- I study and comprehend fast.

- My mind is calm.

- I am calm and relaxed in every situation.

- My thoughts are under my control.

- I radiate love and happiness.

- I am surrounded by love.

- I am living in the house of my dreams.

- I have good and loving relations.

- I am successful in whatever I do.

- Everything is getting better every day

I realize that this little voice that has been negative in my head, will persist at invading my space, but I believe that with practice and belief in myself, the negative thoughts will find themselves packing and leaving the space they once had ownership of. 

Retro Era and Halloween

Its Monday night, which means one of my new favorite show's is the Playboy Club.  I am really drawn to era's that represent when I would have been born, but far too young to enjoy the lifestyle.  Maybe it is the retro memories showing a lifestyle of glitz, glamour, the "bond" image of a sharped dressed man. I don't know about you, but there is something soooo sexy about a tailored man, sexily clad women, in an era where life seemed so much simpler than, but in reality back then, there were just as many issues as we have today, just different.

I'm not foolish to believe that the "glamour" of the Playboy Club is 100% entirely what you see on TV, but I have read the reviews and it is clear that having the one and only Mr. Playboy Club himself, Mr. Hugh Hefner, for authenticating information most certainly makes the show that much more inviting. I've watched a few biographies on "Hef" and you just know that everything from the "Bunnies" to the people and personalities that visited the Playboy Club, will be all that you imagine, but not like the true host he is, never enough to tell you who is who. I suspect there is a "seen and be seen" rule, but what happens at the Club will always stay within those walls.


Usually, I would find something very kinky to include in my blog, but other than Rascals a couple of weeks back, all has been quiet.... that is until the end of the month or mid-month depending on when and where you are attending a Halloween party. Yes my sexy Vampires and Witches, or is it Ghouls and something naughty out of your closet.  The season is upon us to start tossing around party ideas, costume flavors and yep you guessed it, the frivolity of the kinky mind that some only let loose at this time of year, and some.... well you get the idea