January 10, 2011


Today was my long awaited appointment with my specialist. I wasn't nervous as I had been wanting this appointment since my ultrasound appointment back in December 2010. The answers are now starting to come in, as is the reality, the mortality of my reproductive years are going to be demising completely. As someone who is involved in a few communities, this does put me "out of commissions" briefly as in a mere few weeks, I think the bigger picture is coming to be adjustment. Adjustments just like changes are never easy for me. My SO is and has been a huge network of support for me. He was able to ask and give answers to questions and get answers to questions as well.

Now I have another appointment later this week it is for another specialist, different from the one I saw today. This one with any luck will be able to coordinate with the one we saw today to combine both procedures.  One can only hope.

Let's see what else is happening...

Well my SO and I are discussing various long term matters in our relationship and overall things are progressing well. My only issue is issues that one doesn't have control over and those issues can be very overwhelming triggers in and of themselves. We have spoken about them, and have discussed things like trigger words, options, reasons, deeper understanding as to what specifically is causing the trigger to happen. For myself, this type of conversation is huge, yet I still found myself feeling anxious at the idea that he would disappear, as so many have in my life. Friends, Family, Lovers, Companions, they all have left at one point. I remind myself that the life of my past is not the life of my future, it takes work a lot of work, but I believe that it will be overcome.

January 3, 2011

New Years Resolutions

I've never been big on resolutions, I think it is because so much happens in one's life that there are moments where what we wanted to do, it is no longer an option. I have, however, opted to have a Bucket List. This is something that has been helpful to have and being able to add to it at a moments notice is another good thing. I have a ways to go before I get to 100 things I want to do, but for what I have now, I'm pretty pleased with myself..

So I finished up my trip out of town, I can now cross this off my own bucket list as it was on there for a goal to complete. It makes me smile that I did something different.

Unfortunately the downside of travelling, is catching a bug. Yep as luck would have it, I have caught whatever is going around and I am not that thrilled about it. I sound like Kermit the Frog, although some people find a raspy deeper voice to be sexy, at the moment I find it challenging just to get the words out!!

If I were to be keeping a New Years List, I would continue with my journey of repairing the cycle of dysfunction that I have been working on for the last little while. I have been reading something recently and it has been helping and insightful to realize what I have been living through is in fact real, and I am not alone. The path at times has gotten easier yet at other times the path is still painful. Yet I know the road on the other side, however that looks, will continue to be more peaceful as this last little while has been.

I have also made a commitment to volunteer at a place that has lovely people who have the same as I do. A thrift store, which for me I love! The other because I am with people, that "get" me. We aren't pompous or arrogant. We are in some instances middle to hard earning individuals doing the best we can with the limitations we have. Wanting to have the same dignity as everyone else strives for.  Now to just get over this bug and I can start that endeavor.

CD comes home this weekend, I am looking forward to that! We have made a commitment to use his exercise equipment. I am looking forward to having someone to work out with again. I miss having that companion to chat with and just share those hard moments where we all need that little bit of a push.

Feel free to post any comments or suggestion you would like for me to chat about!

January 1, 2011

The one we call Karma

My trip has been fantastic. I've taken myself for a pampering of sorts, met new people, experienced some new cuisine and a club where fashion and mayhem meet in the middle. I have loved every moment of that.

The one I have come to spend it with, has gone to great lengths to spend time with me, combined with his own responsibilities as one often has those, there have been moments where I haven't left the hotel room. Now before all my kinkalicious friends think "the dark side" I can assure you no it wasn't that lol.

We had opted to keep our trip under wraps from the family, with all that has gone on as of late, and our relationship budding and developing as it has been, we felt that it wouldn't go over well with the matriarch. Well sure enough, we were right.

Tonight, which happens to be my last night in town, instead of doing something "on the town" celebrating, whether it be dancing til dawn, or walking the streets looking at memorable moments in history, I am in my room, and I keep watching the clock. I am feeling very frustrated and I can't help but feel it is the Goddess karma for we didn't tell anyone in his family I am here, and well I feel that the Goddess wanted me to know that ultimately She is in control not I and so I am alone. My love is not able to tear himself away from family and the responsibilities that are attached to that.

I'm not looking forward to my trip back to the West Coast. Not for not wanting to see my kitten, or my fur boys, just the travel and the changing of planes etc. I did try to change it up yesterday, but the cost involved was far more than I was willing to spend.

I am looking forward to starting my volunteer work this week. I am hopeful to continue getting out there, and making some friends/acquaintances in the community and those that have fibromyalgia as well.

I am considering doing a weight loss program, I would like to lost about 20 pounds and if I can do it before my surgery this year, perhaps that will make the recovery be quicker than if I had the "extra" weight.

Well off to figure out how to add more to my site!

Enjoy yours, stay safe, sane and risk aware!