October 10, 2011

The Overwhelming Fear

My heart did more than jump, the feeling of emotions  like a volcano rising with lava all wanting to come to the surface at once.  Overwhelmed with sudden fear, the memories fresh... too fresh, wishing that I could put the lid back on the bottle.

Suddenly, deep within my core the jumbled words that couldn't be spoken, the words stuck like glue at the tip of my lips unable to come out. Then, words managed to escape my lips, but instead of calmness, frustration and fear, the lava that had been turning over and over, was now vocal. How fast could I pull everything together?

The moment had come where decisions needed to be made, I had to decide if I could push the fear away, could I look past the visual of being where I was asked to be? Suddenly anxious with being back in the moment, although not MY moment, the familiarity that was all very clearly going to be in front of me...... Could I pull it off? Could I show no emotion? Could I rise above what I was feeling, and go where I was asked to? 

I reflected on the days leading up to where I was, the memories suddenly fresher than I wanted to admit. The overwhelming fear now triggered and there was no way of going back. The only way to get through this was to be truthful and honest with myself and to those that needed to be involved. 

How was I going to get through all the physical feelings, the sweating, the rushing of my heartbeat? I didn't want medication, I wanted to cope using tools I could. 

It was with all of this that a quick decision had to be made, to do whatever it took to find the calm. I reached out to a confidant in an attempt to quell my fears. It was during this conversation that every fear, every emotion that brought me to where I was at that exact moment came out vocally. That what was once stuck at my lips, with the feeling of glue holding it in place, was no longer. 

I chose to exercise. I took my dogs for a walk, I visualized stomping every feeling with each step on the wet pavement.  When I eventually returned home, all I could think of was I wanted a hug. I wanted to feel safe, it is amazing how quickly I can go from feeling like I have so much to be thankful for and I am, that the anxiety of what was once my life, although no more, the wounds 3 years later still fresh (it reminded me of the proverbial band aid, that has been covering the injury while it heals). 

I realized then that as each step I am taking, recovery happens in layers, so too shall this one.

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