December 8, 2011

Control

Today is days 8 & 9 of my advent blogging, in keeping up my commitment to blogging every day til the 25th of December, I hope you are enjoying the journey I am on presently and perhaps you are writing an advent blog yourself! If so, comment below in the comment section with your blog link, I would love to read your stories!! 

Its hard to believe that 2 weeks I will be having my birthday and then 2 days after it will be Christmas!! This year I, like the last few unfortunately, will be alone, it is not easy for me, I find myself become very withdrawn and isolated. My ties with my bio family are non existent and today ironically is my sister's birthday, to whom I did write a letter and wished her a very happy birthday :). The dysfunction in my family is not one that I want to be a part of, yet I do miss the bond of family. The same goes with those that I have allowed to become my chosen family. 

I was reading a fellow bloggers post and must thank Emma of Jakeskajira for the idea. She wrote about control and how it affects her. This got me thinking about how control from Master makes me feel. 

Overall, as much as I may grumble about chores and trust me there are plenty of days where I do, there are a lot of moments when I crave having the control exerted on me. Sure I may squabble over it, because I don't want to do it, or perhaps I am not in my "sub" mind frame, but wait, I am naturally a service submissive so doing housework, tending to the dogs, cats or litter box is normal for me. I'm not able to be tired, I'm not able to rest because these are things I know everyday that have to be done. There is just no way around it. 

Master at times when he sees something that will be for my own growth and benefit, will usually suggest that I look into it. A good example is He is leaving for Christmas vacation to see family and I will be here. However, we have been talking about using Skype to communicate daily and He wants me to use the treadmill and I am expected to do as is expected of me. I understand why Master wants me to do my daily exercises which includes walking the dog as it is good for my health, but I must admit right now the "down feeling" I am familiar with has started to creep back in. 

Not sure where exactly it is attached to, perhaps it isn't just one thing, the holiday season hasn't been a very happy time for me for a long time.  I know my blog is meant for (at my choosing) to be about being a pin up model and my fetishes and growth around that. But sometimes real life creeps in and I find that having an outlet when I normally don't voice my private life, helps to take it off my chest. 

Control at times means acceptance, and yes for me that means accepting the help from an unknown person that I know is putting a Christmas basket together for me, or it is the feeling of not knowing how I am going to insure my vehicle when it expires very soon and last but definitely not least the illness of my beloved pet. 

Somehow the Disability I am on although it provides for a roof over my head and heat and light in my home, still has a stigma attached to it, and this time of year, it really makes me realize how much it affects me.

Master has a way of helping me see the good and positive in many things going on, even when the road seems bleak and dark, but unfortunately being home for the holidays no matter who is in my life, will be like any other day, except I will most likely do my treadmill and walk my dogs and anything else that I know I will be expected to do. 


1 comment:

  1. I am sorry that we can not be together during the holidays. I often feel very conflicted between the time i need with my girls and family and being away from you. I love you deeply.

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