Feelings

Today is Christmas... a joyous day for many, and sad for others. For many they are alone, without the love of family or friends.

I happen to be one of the ones who is alone, not because I want to be but because of a single word that I have come to realize has stopped me from growing outside of my personal bubble and box.

The journey now begins, and the road will be hard, but like any path of discovery, there is always a bit of pain before you can see the waterfall and rainbows, as well as having a sense of inner peace about oneself.

I am forever amazed at how words can hold us back, keep us frozen in time to a world that you know doesn't exist any longer, yet the words or perhaps word has decided to bury itself deep within your inner brain (that recording of negativity) and it starts to play those words and before you know it, the noise starts.

Taking the tools learned over time, you apply them, but some of the negative thoughts are tougher than the ones you got rid of, and now one has to arm herself with stronger tools. Where does one go to learn how to fight that battle?

I have read that being with people who truly love you for you, that don't want anything from you other than being in your company. Yet, the struggle to accept what is being said in a positive fashion seems like a lifetime ago, and acceptance at what you haven't heard in so long seems like a foreign land.

I am lucky, I have found the love of someone who sees through the negative, he describes me as someone who has some rough edges. I like that, it reminds me of a diamond before it is cleaned up and smoothed ready to be presented to someone to buy.

I am blessed to have the love of a few friends that truly like me for me, and aren't afraid to remind me when I am sounding "stuck". I have had a lot to process in the last few months and it has been overwhelming and I am glad to have their support. I honestly don't think I would get through some days without them.

So today is Christmas and yes it hasn't been easy on my feelings, but I recognize that it is still a day for children to listen to them squeal in delight at the toys Santa has left them, or to watch your beloved pet, put up with all those lovely bows that were once on presents and they are now willing to wear them so that we as people can smile and feel like they are being included.

I am hopeful the New Year will bring me further on my path of self discovery.