Kink and Mental Health

I was perv'n around and stumbled upon Fetlife's event. They are having a Month Long Kink Holiday Giveaway Kink Holiday Giveaway. If you are a member of Fetlife you can read the post and join. I did, its interesting to read all the suggestions and questions. Follow the links and you can join more month long contest.

          " To show our appreciation to our kink-tastic members and to continue on with our gift of giving mode that we kick started with our post here: A reminder to our Lifetime Supporters...the gift of giving, we will be giving away one free six month membership per day for the entire month of December! :-) "

excerpt from Kink Holiday Giveaway - Fetlife. 

I thought on my question and decided what it would be.

• Do you feel there is a connection between being socially accepted in a lifestyle looked down upon and mental health and stigma?

What's your question? Share here!! I look forward to seeing you on Fetlife! Be sure to come and hit me up and send me an email, I like making new kinky friends :).

Master has a Coffee Date

I'm excited for him! She is such a lovely lady, we are close in age too. 

It was cute to see Master nervous, wanting to make a good impression. I know He will do great on His coffee date with this girl. She is looking for a Daddy/Master relationship with eventual 24/7. Master ran that by me and I assured Him to just enjoy the moment and see where the conversation takes them. That sometimes it is amazing how at one time something you never thought would be of interest to you, suddenly could be. That's what my play partner relationship with Sir has been about. He has introduced me to areas of play that at one time I never would have agreed to and yet, with time, and just lots of continual talking, my trust grows with Him. The only downside is we aren't able to see one another very much, so I am searching for an additional Top that will be local to me.

Master and I talk about everything and we feel our force is steady and strong. I like seeing Him happy, as much as He likes to see me happy. 

Control

Today is days 8 & 9 of my advent blogging, in keeping up my commitment to blogging every day til the 25th of December, I hope you are enjoying the journey I am on presently and perhaps you are writing an advent blog yourself! If so, comment below in the comment section with your blog link, I would love to read your stories!! 

Its hard to believe that 2 weeks I will be having my birthday and then 2 days after it will be Christmas!! This year I, like the last few unfortunately, will be alone, it is not easy for me, I find myself become very withdrawn and isolated. My ties with my bio family are non existent and today ironically is my sister's birthday, to whom I did write a letter and wished her a very happy birthday :). The dysfunction in my family is not one that I want to be a part of, yet I do miss the bond of family. The same goes with those that I have allowed to become my chosen family. 

I was reading a fellow bloggers post and must thank Emma of Jakeskajira for the idea. She wrote about control and how it affects her. This got me thinking about how control from Master makes me feel. 

Overall, as much as I may grumble about chores and trust me there are plenty of days where I do, there are a lot of moments when I crave having the control exerted on me. Sure I may squabble over it, because I don't want to do it, or perhaps I am not in my "sub" mind frame, but wait, I am naturally a service submissive so doing housework, tending to the dogs, cats or litter box is normal for me. I'm not able to be tired, I'm not able to rest because these are things I know everyday that have to be done. There is just no way around it. 

Master at times when he sees something that will be for my own growth and benefit, will usually suggest that I look into it. A good example is He is leaving for Christmas vacation to see family and I will be here. However, we have been talking about using Skype to communicate daily and He wants me to use the treadmill and I am expected to do as is expected of me. I understand why Master wants me to do my daily exercises which includes walking the dog as it is good for my health, but I must admit right now the "down feeling" I am familiar with has started to creep back in. 

Not sure where exactly it is attached to, perhaps it isn't just one thing, the holiday season hasn't been a very happy time for me for a long time.  I know my blog is meant for (at my choosing) to be about being a pin up model and my fetishes and growth around that. But sometimes real life creeps in and I find that having an outlet when I normally don't voice my private life, helps to take it off my chest. 

Control at times means acceptance, and yes for me that means accepting the help from an unknown person that I know is putting a Christmas basket together for me, or it is the feeling of not knowing how I am going to insure my vehicle when it expires very soon and last but definitely not least the illness of my beloved pet. 

Somehow the Disability I am on although it provides for a roof over my head and heat and light in my home, still has a stigma attached to it, and this time of year, it really makes me realize how much it affects me.

Master has a way of helping me see the good and positive in many things going on, even when the road seems bleak and dark, but unfortunately being home for the holidays no matter who is in my life, will be like any other day, except I will most likely do my treadmill and walk my dogs and anything else that I know I will be expected to do. 

The Overwhelming Fear

My heart did more than jump, the feeling of emotions  like a volcano rising with lava all wanting to come to the surface at once.  Overwhelmed with sudden fear, the memories fresh... too fresh, wishing that I could put the lid back on the bottle.

Suddenly, deep within my core the jumbled words that couldn't be spoken, the words stuck like glue at the tip of my lips unable to come out. Then, words managed to escape my lips, but instead of calmness, frustration and fear, the lava that had been turning over and over, was now vocal. How fast could I pull everything together?

The moment had come where decisions needed to be made, I had to decide if I could push the fear away, could I look past the visual of being where I was asked to be? Suddenly anxious with being back in the moment, although not MY moment, the familiarity that was all very clearly going to be in front of me...... Could I pull it off? Could I show no emotion? Could I rise above what I was feeling, and go where I was asked to? 

I reflected on the days leading up to where I was, the memories suddenly fresher than I wanted to admit. The overwhelming fear now triggered and there was no way of going back. The only way to get through this was to be truthful and honest with myself and to those that needed to be involved. 

How was I going to get through all the physical feelings, the sweating, the rushing of my heartbeat? I didn't want medication, I wanted to cope using tools I could. 

It was with all of this that a quick decision had to be made, to do whatever it took to find the calm. I reached out to a confidant in an attempt to quell my fears. It was during this conversation that every fear, every emotion that brought me to where I was at that exact moment came out vocally. That what was once stuck at my lips, with the feeling of glue holding it in place, was no longer. 

I chose to exercise. I took my dogs for a walk, I visualized stomping every feeling with each step on the wet pavement.  When I eventually returned home, all I could think of was I wanted a hug. I wanted to feel safe, it is amazing how quickly I can go from feeling like I have so much to be thankful for and I am, that the anxiety of what was once my life, although no more, the wounds 3 years later still fresh (it reminded me of the proverbial band aid, that has been covering the injury while it heals). 

I realized then that as each step I am taking, recovery happens in layers, so too shall this one.