The Challenge Within

It's very hard to believe I am not the same woman I once was. Often you could hear me saying "back in the day...." which often was followed by "I could do this and that, with no problem". It is true, at one time I trained 6 days a week on average 2 hours a day in martial arts, mix that with Tae Bo and Sparring and I was one lean machine, ready for competition and loving how my body and mind felt in unison.

I have realized as I am writing this it has been 10 years, since I trained like that, amazing how so much has happened in that time span. A marriage, divorce, a major move to another Province, career changes, 3 significant motor vehicle accidents (that affected me greatly) and various friendships and long term relationships.  There are other life changing events that I've left out of this blog as I want to keep them out of the internet universe.

So often I have found myself saying "I'm not the same woman I once was." Well after seeing what I wrote above, is it any wonder? I've been longing for that woman who competed, trained, had a sense of self, and determination about her craft. But I've also come to realize that I am now starting that path from scratch this week, Monday to be precise! I am meeting with my very dear friend who happens to be a personal fitness trainer and we are going to start from scratch with a weigh in and measurements. I can already hear the negative thoughts churning in my head because I know the numbers are going to be in the digits I have NEVER been in, just as is my weight and my clothes.

I grew up in an unhealthy and unrealistic environment where how much you weighed, measured and ate was as much a part of you as getting up, showering and going on about your day. I spent many a teenage day measuring myself, compulsively exercising in my bedroom with a woman's exercise magazine that my mother had used. She used to measure and weigh her food, and consequently so did I. When I didn't get the results that I wanted, I turned to laxatives and weight loss supplements like Dexatrim because I have been so paranoid of gaining the weight that has plagued some of my relatives, not taking into consideration that for them it may not even be because of food, but no one told me about thyroids and diabetes as part of a reason for their situations.

The Challenge within is not just the numbers on the scale, or how snug and in some instances clothing that no longer fits has been playing with my mind. Those days of laxatives and diet supplements call to me, remind me of how they worked on purging my body of fat or muscles if there wasn't fat to take away. I hold back because I doubt now, I doubt what will truly work and what won't. Now it is about getting my body to WANT to eat, the metabolism is slow and the cravings for carbs is a lot smaller than it used to be, however, the 5 meals a day I used to have that were as a means of keeping my blood sugar even, hasn't been happening; I'm lucky if I have lunch after I have breakfast and then dinner at a reasonable hour.

But to be fair on myself I have to remember that having a complete hysterectomy not even a year ago, has really been a challenge for me. Not just the removal of a menstrual cycle and such, but the adapting to NOT ever having a period is the small part to the operation. The bigger picture is dealing without having all of my female reproductive parts, including the necessary hormones that keep things such as the weight I have gained in balance. I've been told that this weight will move and that my body will return to where it was, but what people have failed to share is how long it will be til that happens. I've been told various comments from a short time after my surgery to as long as when my body would normally and naturally go into menopause. So with that in mind, I can see why I am continually challenged with my thoughts and what to do.

Now to add to the mix is my years of chronic depression and Borderline Personality disorder, both of which are under medical supervision and I am feeling more in tune and balance with myself, in this regard. The work I am doing on myself and my mental state I have always known is a huge part of not just my mental state but my physical state as well. If one is not in balance, than how can the other parts?

I know it is about baby steps and learning to love who is inside me, but the outside part wouldn't mind a few perks too :)

My Tribe

I'm having one of those days/nights. I want to write, although nothing in particular stands out as a topic. 

I could find things to talk about, that is never hard for me. *grins*

Right now I am wanting to add to my fur family. I have 2 dogs who I adore more than life itself. They have traveled with me from Alberta to BC, and are 6 and 11 respectively. My friends always say they are my children and always know that they seldom are not with me no matter where I go. 

Rizzo is very special to me, not only is he 11 years old, but he is a rescue who was in bad shape at 4 years of age. I knew the very first time I laid eyes on him, we were meant to be a family and I never looked back. He is very much a puppy spirit, with a determination never to give up, I think he could teach many a human a lesson or two on that alone! He has shown me unconditional love and I him, he really is one of a kind!

Blaze is my lil buddy. I helped deliver him 6 years ago. Originally he was to up for adoption with his sister and brother, but he wasn't having any part of that! He "chose" me and I realized very quickly, I not only had Momma Jas and Swamper, out of the litter of 3, there was now an addition or two! He is very loyal, playful, and so loving. I adore him as well. 

It wouldn't be right for me not to mention Mr. Jingles. He is the kitten who just turned a year old! He is full of  all sorts of spunk, one minute he will drive you crazy, and not two seconds later, he is up on you purring the softest of purrs I think I have ever heard come from a cat. Love him, or hate him, Mr. Jingles is part of our pack and he will tell you in case you didn't hear him the first time lol!

I don't know a time where I haven't owned a cat or dog or fish for that matter. Pets have a huge impact in my life and like with any creature, human or not, for every life that comes into my world, at some point there comes a time when some will leave for the Rainbow Bridge. It is never easy as each pet I've ever had, has such a special place in my heart. 

Teo came to me as a rescue, his one year anniversary of his passing is at the end of October. He has been on my mind a lot and I know he is never far from my heart and soul, but his personality, his kisses and the way he says "I love you" are forever imprinted in my mind and heart. 

I'm not sure what it is about wanting another pet to add to the mix, perhaps it is the business that having pets gives me; or it is the love and yes at times craziness that comes with a house full. But there is something about watching my pack bond, there is nothing quite like it. 

The Overwhelming Fear

My heart did more than jump, the feeling of emotions  like a volcano rising with lava all wanting to come to the surface at once.  Overwhelmed with sudden fear, the memories fresh... too fresh, wishing that I could put the lid back on the bottle.

Suddenly, deep within my core the jumbled words that couldn't be spoken, the words stuck like glue at the tip of my lips unable to come out. Then, words managed to escape my lips, but instead of calmness, frustration and fear, the lava that had been turning over and over, was now vocal. How fast could I pull everything together?

The moment had come where decisions needed to be made, I had to decide if I could push the fear away, could I look past the visual of being where I was asked to be? Suddenly anxious with being back in the moment, although not MY moment, the familiarity that was all very clearly going to be in front of me...... Could I pull it off? Could I show no emotion? Could I rise above what I was feeling, and go where I was asked to? 

I reflected on the days leading up to where I was, the memories suddenly fresher than I wanted to admit. The overwhelming fear now triggered and there was no way of going back. The only way to get through this was to be truthful and honest with myself and to those that needed to be involved. 

How was I going to get through all the physical feelings, the sweating, the rushing of my heartbeat? I didn't want medication, I wanted to cope using tools I could. 

It was with all of this that a quick decision had to be made, to do whatever it took to find the calm. I reached out to a confidant in an attempt to quell my fears. It was during this conversation that every fear, every emotion that brought me to where I was at that exact moment came out vocally. That what was once stuck at my lips, with the feeling of glue holding it in place, was no longer. 

I chose to exercise. I took my dogs for a walk, I visualized stomping every feeling with each step on the wet pavement.  When I eventually returned home, all I could think of was I wanted a hug. I wanted to feel safe, it is amazing how quickly I can go from feeling like I have so much to be thankful for and I am, that the anxiety of what was once my life, although no more, the wounds 3 years later still fresh (it reminded me of the proverbial band aid, that has been covering the injury while it heals). 

I realized then that as each step I am taking, recovery happens in layers, so too shall this one.

That little voice....

That little voice, we all have it, I swear mine talks to me constantly. I realize now it is something that has been hanging out with me all my life. Taught things from early in life to adulthood; funny though I don't recall any lessons where the lessons were taught?

I have associated the "negative talk" (that's the name I give my little voice), with the voice I sometimes hear in my head. It is that very voice that questions and throws doubt into my thoughts and causes things like anxiety and emotional turmoil to ruin some of my most productive of days.

A lot of the time that self doubt, the belief I can't do something (by the way, I am working on removing the word can't and should or shouldn't from my personal vocabulary), any and all negative words that fill my head, and before long are swirling in my mind causing me stress, which in turn makes me feel emotions that are not productive or healthy and before I know it I start to act out in behaviors that would be anything from anger to tears. Doesn't sound very healthy at all when I break it down like this; but this development is something I have been exploring and so far I am liking what I feel by breaking it down, like this. 

I have found ways to subdue the little voice when it is being bad; but having said that other times it is helpful to have that little voice as it does make you think twice about decisions that you are looking to make. Yes, even daily life decisions require a little voice that is not negative in thought, but questions why it is I may want to do or say something that may 

I have been reminding myself to stay in the present. It may seem so simple, and yet .... not. Lately I remind myself that I do not have the power to change anyone, or anything. I only have control over myself and my thoughts. Positive reinforcement such as being mindful, meditation, and affirmations are ways that have been working for me lately. I have been thinking of putting together a list of ways to remove the little voice that has nothing better to do than to be negative. One of the things that comes to mind is affirmations. Affirmations have helped me before, and as simple as they are, they are something that I have to remind myself to use because they aren't in my mind, as easily as the negative ones are. But, with time and lots of practice I know I will get there. 

Here are a list of Affirmations that I use to help me through the day. 

Positive Affirmations

- I am healthy and happy.

- I have a lot of energy.

- I study and comprehend fast.

- My mind is calm.

- I am calm and relaxed in every situation.

- My thoughts are under my control.

- I radiate love and happiness.

- I am surrounded by love.

- I am living in the house of my dreams.

- I have good and loving relations.

- I am successful in whatever I do.

- Everything is getting better every day

I realize that this little voice that has been negative in my head, will persist at invading my space, but I believe that with practice and belief in myself, the negative thoughts will find themselves packing and leaving the space they once had ownership of. 

Retro Era and Halloween

Its Monday night, which means one of my new favorite show's is the Playboy Club.  I am really drawn to era's that represent when I would have been born, but far too young to enjoy the lifestyle.  Maybe it is the retro memories showing a lifestyle of glitz, glamour, the "bond" image of a sharped dressed man. I don't know about you, but there is something soooo sexy about a tailored man, sexily clad women, in an era where life seemed so much simpler than, but in reality back then, there were just as many issues as we have today, just different.

I'm not foolish to believe that the "glamour" of the Playboy Club is 100% entirely what you see on TV, but I have read the reviews and it is clear that having the one and only Mr. Playboy Club himself, Mr. Hugh Hefner, for authenticating information most certainly makes the show that much more inviting. I've watched a few biographies on "Hef" and you just know that everything from the "Bunnies" to the people and personalities that visited the Playboy Club, will be all that you imagine, but not like the true host he is, never enough to tell you who is who. I suspect there is a "seen and be seen" rule, but what happens at the Club will always stay within those walls.


Usually, I would find something very kinky to include in my blog, but other than Rascals a couple of weeks back, all has been quiet.... that is until the end of the month or mid-month depending on when and where you are attending a Halloween party. Yes my sexy Vampires and Witches, or is it Ghouls and something naughty out of your closet.  The season is upon us to start tossing around party ideas, costume flavors and yep you guessed it, the frivolity of the kinky mind that some only let loose at this time of year, and some.... well you get the idea

To Whom do I Write For?

I have found myself charged and rejuvenated asking myself, what next should I write about. What will my readers want to read? I recall very recently speaking to a friend about this, and she said that for her, her blog was a means of journaling and she didn't care that anyone could read what she wrote, that what she was writing was a place of letting it all out and yet for me, I feel complex, on one hand I really like writing and getting things off my chest, I also want to write topics that will hold any reader who happens to stumble upon my blog. I know it should not matter whether anyone reads my blog or not, but I guess in some ways it does. You just never know who you are reaching out there in the Universe. The way we connect with people now a days, is truly in the smallest of ways. The world is a lot smaller than we all think.

So here I am  "To Whom do I Write For?" today it is me. 

I have been focusing on my health; and when I say health, I mean body, mind and spirit

Six short months ago, my life took a permanent change; one that hasn't always been easy, even now, but the process of elimination from pharmaceutical drugs to as much natural as is available to me. The hope is the menopausal symptoms will decrease to the point of complete elimination. Yes, you read right, I am 42, and had a hysterectomy, thereby putting me into early menopause. But fear not all you lovely ladies out there reading this, I learned this weekend that even though I have gained some weight (which I have learned is water retention), my breasts have decided to grow again! It is like being a teenager, minus the hormones of puberty! So tonight I have begun the task of going through clothing and such as I have thus far increased a good cup at least and most of my bras do not fit!! Crazy, I know!! 

But most of all the various adjustments to my body inside and out as I adapt to the "change" that I have heard a lot about growing up and now as an adult woman going through it; the hot flashes, the night sweats, although they haven't been easy and as a young girl joking with her friends about how we all couldn't wait til our periods were gone forever.Now that I experienced it first hand, I wonder when the "hard part" will be over and the easy stuff will kick in? 

I'm not ungrateful, I'm not unhappy, the medical reasons behind the surgery necessity and the 2nd and 3rd opinions all make sense. Its just.... not an easy thing letting go of a body that once could wear shorts or a tank top with no cellulite and now ..... well lets just say the cellulite reminds me of well earned medals for all the years leading up to this very moment in my life. 

There's Always a Chance~ There's Always a Choice

I had just finished watching the X-Factor and a contestant said those words in my post line. Those words resonated with me and I knew then that I had my topic for my next post. 


There's Always a Chance ~ There's Always a Choice. 


Life is about taking chances, just as life is about choices we make and in some situations there are consequences for those choices. 


I've been focusing a fair bit on issues surrounding choices and chances in my life. I struggle with these daily. The reason being is quite simple, I am not used to having choices or chances. I have always felt there was either a black or a white thought process, in other words there was either a "yes" or "no" answer. I am wanting there to be more "grey"; in other words, I am wanting to have flexibility, to be more relaxed and less rigid, there is a difference in being a doormat, just to be clear, as I am not one. 


Being a woman who has suffered with matters of a personal nature, I have spent some time away from friends. It isn't that I haven't wanted friends, if anything it is quite the opposite. But the fears surrounding trust had been allowed to take over, so the consequence of choosing to be alone versus taking the risk of making friends is that I had been alone more than with people and consequently at times depression made an appearance. 


I realized something vital, something so pertinent that helped remove a layer of negative energy and replaced it with positive thoughts. Most of my teenage life/young adult life has been marred with those that were once in my life who felt I was not worthy of being in their life. Those who were at one time claiming I was not healthy, claiming that it was the fault of persons who I knew couldn't possibly have anything to do with my being unwell. It has taken a long time for me to become healthy and well; to become the very person I am now. To remove the negative energy that I have, just as the statement says


There's Always a Chance ~ There's Always a Choice. 


The leg work is worth the results, it is ongoing, and steady; after all it isn't like I just arrived one day unsure, anxious and depressed. There had to be substantial reasons that lead me to that the road of self discovery.  I choose to not be ashamed, however, I have been made to feel ashamed. I have felt the stigma of people unsure of what to say to me, or that they feel like I have a disease~ that they are going to catch it. (Just what is "it" anyway?) It is like being bullied for an invisible disease, a disease that we all have within us that can reveal itself at any time. It is called MENTAL ILLNESS and it is nothing to be ashamed of, scared of, or embarrassed of. 


There is Help, There is Hope, There is Light, There is Love, You Are NOT alone.


If ANYONE reading my blog needs or wants someone to talk to, email me anytime, and I will reply back in confidence. 

Steampunk, Community Connections, and Kink

Last nights Steampunk's event at Rascal's was amazing! A lot of people had gone to a lot of trouble to put on their best 'punk outfits and make them shine!  I just couldn't resist this Kermit the Frog picture, even though we didn't have anyone dressed like him, how could you not include him?!

Kermit playing the banjo

I had kept my eye out for someone I had been hoping to meet, but I later learned that he was too shy to come and say hello. Its always amazes me how too familiar one gets behind a computer screen, then when the opportunity arises to meet, suddenly, bu definitely not surprising, all to often; the person either doesn't show up or they show up but are often too shy to come an say hello. I would have gone over to say hello, but I only had photographs that didn't include full facial features so I had to leave the mystery up to him. 

Our Kink Community was alive and well last night. A few faces I didn't know, a few I did know, a many hugs of hellos :). We didn't do a public scene last night as neither of us were feeling the energy was right for us. We did however, watch a several scenes, a few caught my eye; one in particular did trigger a memory of a scene that went wrong for me and my Master who is also my bf had said we could go somewhere else in the room, and I had said no, that I wanted to see it through. It was uncomfortable, and yes it made me squeamish but I wanted to see if I could work it through.

The scene I was watching was a slave and her Master. She was on the St. Andrew's Cross and her Master went directly into full whipping, and it instantly reminded me of a moment of my past where I had a former Master who did the same thing but not at Rascals it was a hotel. Like her scene, there was no warm up, no discussion prior, nothing.

My scene went like this. I was asked to be fully nude, to stand at the end of one of two beds in the hotel, and my ex Master took his whip, which I later learned he had never used, and was new to him, practiced on me, I was incredibly green at that time, and didn't know any of this, his slave was on the Island and she wanted him to "break it in on me, so that it would be supple when it was used on her". Needless to say, several hours went by, and my ex Master's goal was to try and "break" me to be his slave, and I knew he wouldn't break me. My soul and spirit wouldn't let him. I remember in the end I had about 2 hours of sleep, he woke me, I was what I learned over time was subspace, drove me home and said he would talk to me later. I remember trying to reach him later to let him know I wasn't well and couldn't reach him, eventually he called me back and all he said was "yes, that can happen, you will be fine". I called a friend, who I went to see, he fed me lots of fruit, cuddles, dinner and told me to sleep for as long as I wanted, that I was safe. To this day I have never forgotten that moment and I have had to play very slowly with any kind of crop or whip in the hopes that some day the trust factor will allow me to experience the true pleasure of subspace as it really can be. 

In the case of the scene before me, I wasn't privy to their discussions so perhaps they did discuss prior to their scene, but I know in my case, there was absolutely no discussion about any rules, colors, safe words etc. 

The wales of cries were fierce, the tears non stop, I waited and wondered when her Master was going to soothe her, when was he going to wrap that blanket around her? My Master who is also my bf and I talked and He didn't like what he was seeing and we both looked around the room and we begun to notice around the room that slowly a few of the "elder" members were starting to watch the scene before us.  Yet still no call of Red.

My Master said, it could be that she may find the intensity cathartic, some do as he had once experienced during a scene back in Dallas. He wanted to know if I was doing ok, I said I was definitely bothered because now there was blood and whip marks and for some reason the whole scene itself seem so detached and less attached. 

Eventually after she cleaned with antiseptic and a band aid was put on one of her wounds; the scene was resumed, steadfast and intense. Her tears strong, I thought for sure she was going to climb off St. Andrew and over it; but I am sure her Master would have whipped her longer.  Eventually, her scene ended, she was removed from the cross and she grabbed her blanket and made her way back to her seat.  As for Master and I, we kept walking around, talking and taking in other scenes and laughing and giggling with friends. 

One of our personal highlights of the evening was we had our very first pictures taken with ThatGuy as a couple. This was very personal for us, as we hadn't been able to get a together picture until now. I've not received it yet, but when I do, I will post it. 

I like to leave a little smile at the end of my entry personally I am one for smiles and laughter, I've been learning just how short life really is....

Steampunk Saturday

Tonight I am attending my first Steampunk event at Rascals http://www.rascals-club.com/events.html
I've never attended a Steampunk anything before. I'm looking forward to going.  I have an outfit I've never worn before that I picked up from Deadly Couture Latex http://www.facebook.com/pages/Deadly-Couture-Latex-Corset-and-Fetish-Boutique/137524772977370 last year. If you have never been there it is definitely the place to go!! Jenny the owner and her staff are so friendly and the shop, oh my word! So much fun!!

Its fun to play dress up for the night! Although I've been a little nervous about how to dress for this event. My bf has been sharing his ideas about how there are varieties of Steampunk. I had no idea as to different versions of this era existed!

But first before we even get to Rascals, there is sushi to be had!! It has been ages since I have gone to Rainbow Before Sushi. The restaurant is quaint and the food is delicious!! The staff treat us well, and the prices are very reasonable. My stomach is starting to growl as I am writing this blog, hmmm makes me think of that I need to have a small snack to tide me over til dinner lol.

Well, for now I don't have a whole lot of kinkery to share at the moment, perhaps later on or tomorrow I will? One just never knows do they...... I will leave that for your minds to toss and turn about until next time :)

Have a great evening, I know I will!

The 5 Languages of Love

I was reading on a forum that I frequent, about the 5 Languages of Love. As the topic went on, various individuals posted their results and it got me thinking. I wanted to know many things, as I am sure you, yourself are now wanting to know "what are my 5 languages of love?" Well let me guide you to that bit of information.

The author who created The 5 Languages of Love is Gary Chapman and can be found here http://www.5lovelanguages.com/learn-the-languages/the-five-love-languages/ from what I have read, he is extremely knowledgeable, here is an example:

"Of the countless ways we can show love to one another, five key categories, of five love languages, proved to be universal and comprehensive - everyone has a love language, and we all identify primarily with one of the five love languages: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service and Physical Touch."

There are many things to be learned from this article and the assessment, you will be surprised what you will learn about yourself; and not in a bad way.

Have a GREAT day!

Love and Light!

S 

Enriching ones life

Today has been a day of surprises and progress. My visit with the chiropractor was a good session, to be told that my body was holding less anger than it had been last week felt really good considering I have battles with chronic pain. I'm looking forward to sleep this evening.

We are going to the Langley Munch this evening! We are looking forward to this as we haven't been able to attend many events lately. It will be great to see some of our friends in the Community again. I'm hoping that we will be able to attend the upcoming Rascal's event as well.

It was lovely to catch up with a few friends who enrich our lives and helped to put the evening into perspective. As well it gave Master a chance to meet members of the Community I had spoken of, but he had not had a chance to meet.

To enrich ones life that is very powerful. It can come in many forms, it may come in the form of laughter, a hug, a conversation or a smile. Either way to be enriched by someone is to feel that sense of empowerment. Something we all strive for, we all crave, something we all want and don't always pay attention when it is staring right at us.

Growth

Summer is just about at its yearly close, my garden has been a month behind and the tomatoes are finally caught up, today I finally saw a tomato in the ripen stages, thank goodness! Now if my zucchini would follow suite the world would make my summer a happy place.

I've been rather reflective lately on many things, activities I have participated in or not participated in. Sometimes it is quite simply monetarily dictated; other times it may be the simplicity of wanting to spend time with the one I love.

A lot of inner growth has been transpiring and the process has been a blossoming experience. A process to be continued. I have always found the road and path to loving ones self to be a bit bumpy at times, but once the path has begun, the work so well worth it, the layers start to peel away little by little, the weight starts to lift. The experiences for people of how they choose to experience their individual path is a deeply personal choice.

I'm hoping to be out and about more in the community and attend more social events as my spirit improves.

Growing Pains of Stepping Outside The Box

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

The Punishment

This was to be no ordinary Saturday and I had been warned.

You told me dress comfortably for my drive; yet I knew better, once I was settled I was expected to change and I knew what you wanted; you wanted your special shirt, the one with the buttons, the one that you gave me, as I know how it not only makes You happy, it also sets the mood with my 4 inch black heels and nothing else.

I arrive and I am chatty, You figure that I am nervous something I didn't expect; given I am not fearful of You; however, it had been quite awhile since You had Punished me. You saw the trepidation and You asked me to come to You. You had a softness about You and You asked if I trusted You, I said I did, but that I did not know what You had in mind for me and it had been a long time since You had actually Punished me. You smiled and kissed me softly and yet your arms around me made me feel secure and safe. You ask me to stand up and to turn around and I do, You spank my ass and ask me to change. Off I go!

I suddenly hear music through the house and know the mood is being set, I remember seeing the chains hanging from the upper railing.

I return to You as expected, You inspect me approvingly. I kneel before You, You lean forward to hug me, You kiss me before we discuss boundaries, hard limits and safe words. You are in tune with me, remembering that this will allow me to feel the trust I need before our scene is to begin.

I stripped before You, only wearing 4 inch black heels, sexiness and sensuality come over me. I am now ready to receive my Punishment.

You place the bondage cuffs around each wrist and hang me from each chain, a blind fold now covers my eyes. I feel my surroundings become dark, anticipation has now overcome me. I know that You have Your various floggers, crops and other nasty toys that will be placed upon my flesh. I will accept with dignity and grace all upon me.

You start softly, warming my flesh, each impact becoming warmer, each spot reminding me like a muscle remembers a dance routine. You bring the leather flogger to my nose, I inhale the beautiful smell of the leather, oh how I love that smell, and You ask me if I remember Her and I said "Yes Sir".

You catch me by surprise, something not easily done! I feel 3 very intense *slap, slap, slap* on my flesh, my ass, my back, my breasts, my pussy each strike harder and stronger than the first. I suddenly find myself twisting and turning, something I have not done with Sir before. I find myself "in my head, now wondering how Sir will further Punish me for moving around." I am no longer sure which direction I am; You say to me, "Return to your spot!" I do, or so I thought. You ask again, "Try again". I say "Sir, I seem to have become confused in my sense of direction" You whisper in my ear "I know, see if you can figure it out". I take a minute, but Sir is wanting me to return to my original spot. I become flustered and ask Sir if I can have assistance. He assists me and returns me to where I need to be, spreading my legs.

Sir fingers my pussy and says "Slut, you're very wet; did you expect to cum?" I'm now wiggling as Sir is playing with my clit and I answer with "No, Sir".

Sir looks into my eyes and says to me, "Given that you are on orgasm denial Sweet One, you best not let a single drop of cum release from your pussy, or a further Punishment will await you, With that said, Sir shoves His fingers into my mouth for me to clean and lick them of my juices.

Sir decides that this scene is now complete and He removes me from the cuffs and chains. I already had my water/juice, chocolate and other goodies waiting for me, and Sir has a blanket waiting for me to cuddle with Him.

Sir says says to me awhile later, "I have another scene that awaits you upstairs...."

 

Today was a milestone for me!~

I had decided to go to our local park with my dogs. Something not out of the ordinary, but what was different, was the location and size of this particular park that I very impromptu chose.

The scene was a luscious and green Sunday morning, it had started to drizzle out which was a bit disheartening due to the weather being so gorgeous on Saturday. But I wanted to make sure my dogs had a good run and play time. So my boyfriend who also hadn't been to this particular park and I made the decision to go here.

I show C the map of where we were and made sure to grab the necessary doggie bags, cell phone etc. and off we went. The grey clouds and drizzle hadn't lifted and it was clear they weren't going to. But I was determined to go on this walk.

So on our walk we go! We come up to a bridge and underneath is a running stream that has been set up for salmon and trout fry to swim through so I only allowed my dogs to drink from the creek.

I had seen that from where we were to where we were going was 250 m. So that was just one part, the trails are broken up so a person can calculate if necessary and it gave me a sense of accomplishment when I reached one section. We get to the end of the 250meters and check the map and make our way back which was another 300meters, my dogs meanwhile are having a lot of fun, my Jack Russell saw his prey, a black squirrel out fresh from Winter hibernation, oh I knew quite well that Blaze didn't have a chance in getting close to Mr. Black Squirrel, but just watching him try to follow him through dense forest was amusing to say the least.

So within a period of time and conversation, we make it to the end of the 300meters. I have now broken a sweat, and it dawns on me that I have gone 550meters! I figured I would calculate the final numbers when I got home, but for now I was pleased as punch at this accomplishment!

At the end I realize that I had forgotten to calculate where my car was to where our first destination was and figured it was about 150 to 250 meters; so that gave me even more incentive to want to figure all this out to miles.  So when I get to the top where the car was parked I proceed to see what was what in terms of meters etc. Nothing definite was found but based on what we just walked we had figured that from the parking lot down the hill, through the trails to the open field, follow the field to the bridge with the creek, was probably a good 200 meters!

I had accomplished 750 to 800 meters! Well, I was so happy with everything, I had this perma-grin stuck to my face!! Me, of all people after having surgery, being on bed rest for the last 6 weeks, deciding to start Weight Watchers this week, had walked without intention of walking quite this much my first week out, had just walked over 3 miles!

All this plus calculating and learning the new points program has made me pretty happy this week :)

The "Hanging In there Princess"

I was watching a couple of shows tonight, two of which I've not watched in forever! I found myself giddy with excitement and in a ton of ways it helped me to realize that the pain I have been dealing with post surgery from my hysterectomy has not taken away my enjoyment of things! This made me incredibly happy!!

I've have been having a very hard time dealing with my emotional mood swings and the ensuing roller coaster that I haven't been able to get off of. That is, until today! I had gone and picked up the medication that my family doctor had called in for me and fingers crossed I will hopefully start to feel more like myself. It is one thing to be hormonal when you have your reproductive girlie bits, but it is entirely different when not only dealing with with the various issues I am but add one more thing on top and its like BAM!

Sex, I've not been able to enjoy the intimacy of sex for weeks now. It has been strange not being able to enjoy whatever you want whenever you want. But with the mood swings and hot flashes etc I have been learning to address, sometimes remembering about sex doesn't seem like a priority. I feel like pretty soon I am going to have to make a yellow sticky of all the things I want to do and place them through my house LOL!

I am heading into week 4 now post surgery and I am hoping to start to return more to myself. But depending on who you speak to, it could really be similar to what I have been dealing with the last 3 weeks *sigh*.

Life sure deals you with a variety of curve balls, and I know that the Universe has a hand in all of this as well, just never know what the true intentions are until you are ready to see what the path laid out before one is.

So the best I can do is "hang in there" and be the "Princess" I keep being told I am  *giggles*

   

Catching up

It seems it has been a good month since I last wrote! My how time can move slowly or quickly depending on what you are doing.

I have been dealing with a lot lately. Adjusting to moments in time, been ill with whatever flu has been circulating around, then some day surgery and as you can see all of this takes time to recover from.

As I have been moving forward, I have returned to working out. I went for my first class in 7 months tonight, and it was amazing how much my cardio has decreased, but not to worry I will get it back up there. For me the laughter and friendships was a great moment to enjoy.

Today I also cleaned my house from top to bottom, which is no small feat! So I don't know if this is a form of manic, or just me doing a good day of housework and exercise.

I've not been happy with my body, and with the fibroid growing, it is making me more and more bloated. Something I am not happy about. I "almost" didn't get into my favorite pair of jeans, and I think now that I have the time to perhaps tone up and drop some weight, will help me in my recovery post surgery. No sense wasting the months just waiting for my surgery!

I'm sure, wait I KNOW there is more I could post, but unfortunately this headache of mine won't let me think straight.

Until next time!

Stressors

Today was my long awaited appointment with my specialist. I wasn't nervous as I had been wanting this appointment since my ultrasound appointment back in December 2010. The answers are now starting to come in, as is the reality, the mortality of my reproductive years are going to be demising completely. As someone who is involved in a few communities, this does put me "out of commissions" briefly as in a mere few weeks, I think the bigger picture is coming to be adjustment. Adjustments just like changes are never easy for me. My SO is and has been a huge network of support for me. He was able to ask and give answers to questions and get answers to questions as well.

Now I have another appointment later this week it is for another specialist, different from the one I saw today. This one with any luck will be able to coordinate with the one we saw today to combine both procedures.  One can only hope.

Let's see what else is happening...

Well my SO and I are discussing various long term matters in our relationship and overall things are progressing well. My only issue is issues that one doesn't have control over and those issues can be very overwhelming triggers in and of themselves. We have spoken about them, and have discussed things like trigger words, options, reasons, deeper understanding as to what specifically is causing the trigger to happen. For myself, this type of conversation is huge, yet I still found myself feeling anxious at the idea that he would disappear, as so many have in my life. Friends, Family, Lovers, Companions, they all have left at one point. I remind myself that the life of my past is not the life of my future, it takes work a lot of work, but I believe that it will be overcome.

New Years Resolutions

I've never been big on resolutions, I think it is because so much happens in one's life that there are moments where what we wanted to do, it is no longer an option. I have, however, opted to have a Bucket List. This is something that has been helpful to have and being able to add to it at a moments notice is another good thing. I have a ways to go before I get to 100 things I want to do, but for what I have now, I'm pretty pleased with myself..

So I finished up my trip out of town, I can now cross this off my own bucket list as it was on there for a goal to complete. It makes me smile that I did something different.

Unfortunately the downside of travelling, is catching a bug. Yep as luck would have it, I have caught whatever is going around and I am not that thrilled about it. I sound like Kermit the Frog, although some people find a raspy deeper voice to be sexy, at the moment I find it challenging just to get the words out!!

If I were to be keeping a New Years List, I would continue with my journey of repairing the cycle of dysfunction that I have been working on for the last little while. I have been reading something recently and it has been helping and insightful to realize what I have been living through is in fact real, and I am not alone. The path at times has gotten easier yet at other times the path is still painful. Yet I know the road on the other side, however that looks, will continue to be more peaceful as this last little while has been.

I have also made a commitment to volunteer at a place that has lovely people who have the same as I do. A thrift store, which for me I love! The other because I am with people, that "get" me. We aren't pompous or arrogant. We are in some instances middle to hard earning individuals doing the best we can with the limitations we have. Wanting to have the same dignity as everyone else strives for.  Now to just get over this bug and I can start that endeavor.

CD comes home this weekend, I am looking forward to that! We have made a commitment to use his exercise equipment. I am looking forward to having someone to work out with again. I miss having that companion to chat with and just share those hard moments where we all need that little bit of a push.

Feel free to post any comments or suggestion you would like for me to chat about!

The one we call Karma

My trip has been fantastic. I've taken myself for a pampering of sorts, met new people, experienced some new cuisine and a club where fashion and mayhem meet in the middle. I have loved every moment of that.

The one I have come to spend it with, has gone to great lengths to spend time with me, combined with his own responsibilities as one often has those, there have been moments where I haven't left the hotel room. Now before all my kinkalicious friends think "the dark side" I can assure you no it wasn't that lol.

We had opted to keep our trip under wraps from the family, with all that has gone on as of late, and our relationship budding and developing as it has been, we felt that it wouldn't go over well with the matriarch. Well sure enough, we were right.

Tonight, which happens to be my last night in town, instead of doing something "on the town" celebrating, whether it be dancing til dawn, or walking the streets looking at memorable moments in history, I am in my room, and I keep watching the clock. I am feeling very frustrated and I can't help but feel it is the Goddess karma for we didn't tell anyone in his family I am here, and well I feel that the Goddess wanted me to know that ultimately She is in control not I and so I am alone. My love is not able to tear himself away from family and the responsibilities that are attached to that.

I'm not looking forward to my trip back to the West Coast. Not for not wanting to see my kitten, or my fur boys, just the travel and the changing of planes etc. I did try to change it up yesterday, but the cost involved was far more than I was willing to spend.

I am looking forward to starting my volunteer work this week. I am hopeful to continue getting out there, and making some friends/acquaintances in the community and those that have fibromyalgia as well.

I am considering doing a weight loss program, I would like to lost about 20 pounds and if I can do it before my surgery this year, perhaps that will make the recovery be quicker than if I had the "extra" weight.

Well off to figure out how to add more to my site!

Enjoy yours, stay safe, sane and risk aware!