July 25, 2011
Growing Pains of Stepping Outside The Box
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July 6, 2011
The Punishment
This was to be no ordinary Saturday and I had been warned.
You told me dress comfortably for my drive; yet I knew better, once I was settled I was expected to change and I knew what you wanted; you wanted your special shirt, the one with the buttons, the one that you gave me, as I know how it not only makes You happy, it also sets the mood with my 4 inch black heels and nothing else.
I arrive and I am chatty, You figure that I am nervous something I didn't expect; given I am not fearful of You; however, it had been quite awhile since You had Punished me. You saw the trepidation and You asked me to come to You. You had a softness about You and You asked if I trusted You, I said I did, but that I did not know what You had in mind for me and it had been a long time since You had actually Punished me. You smiled and kissed me softly and yet your arms around me made me feel secure and safe. You ask me to stand up and to turn around and I do, You spank my ass and ask me to change. Off I go!
I suddenly hear music through the house and know the mood is being set, I remember seeing the chains hanging from the upper railing.
I return to You as expected, You inspect me approvingly. I kneel before You, You lean forward to hug me, You kiss me before we discuss boundaries, hard limits and safe words. You are in tune with me, remembering that this will allow me to feel the trust I need before our scene is to begin.
I stripped before You, only wearing 4 inch black heels, sexiness and sensuality come over me. I am now ready to receive my Punishment.
You place the bondage cuffs around each wrist and hang me from each chain, a blind fold now covers my eyes. I feel my surroundings become dark, anticipation has now overcome me. I know that You have Your various floggers, crops and other nasty toys that will be placed upon my flesh. I will accept with dignity and grace all upon me.
You start softly, warming my flesh, each impact becoming warmer, each spot reminding me like a muscle remembers a dance routine. You bring the leather flogger to my nose, I inhale the beautiful smell of the leather, oh how I love that smell, and You ask me if I remember Her and I said "Yes Sir".
You catch me by surprise, something not easily done! I feel 3 very intense *slap, slap, slap* on my flesh, my ass, my back, my breasts, my pussy each strike harder and stronger than the first. I suddenly find myself twisting and turning, something I have not done with Sir before. I find myself "in my head, now wondering how Sir will further Punish me for moving around." I am no longer sure which direction I am; You say to me, "Return to your spot!" I do, or so I thought. You ask again, "Try again". I say "Sir, I seem to have become confused in my sense of direction" You whisper in my ear "I know, see if you can figure it out". I take a minute, but Sir is wanting me to return to my original spot. I become flustered and ask Sir if I can have assistance. He assists me and returns me to where I need to be, spreading my legs.
Sir fingers my pussy and says "Slut, you're very wet; did you expect to cum?" I'm now wiggling as Sir is playing with my clit and I answer with "No, Sir".
Sir looks into my eyes and says to me, "Given that you are on orgasm denial Sweet One, you best not let a single drop of cum release from your pussy, or a further Punishment will await you, With that said, Sir shoves His fingers into my mouth for me to clean and lick them of my juices.
Sir decides that this scene is now complete and He removes me from the cuffs and chains. I already had my water/juice, chocolate and other goodies waiting for me, and Sir has a blanket waiting for me to cuddle with Him.
Sir says says to me awhile later, "I have another scene that awaits you upstairs...."
You told me dress comfortably for my drive; yet I knew better, once I was settled I was expected to change and I knew what you wanted; you wanted your special shirt, the one with the buttons, the one that you gave me, as I know how it not only makes You happy, it also sets the mood with my 4 inch black heels and nothing else.
I arrive and I am chatty, You figure that I am nervous something I didn't expect; given I am not fearful of You; however, it had been quite awhile since You had Punished me. You saw the trepidation and You asked me to come to You. You had a softness about You and You asked if I trusted You, I said I did, but that I did not know what You had in mind for me and it had been a long time since You had actually Punished me. You smiled and kissed me softly and yet your arms around me made me feel secure and safe. You ask me to stand up and to turn around and I do, You spank my ass and ask me to change. Off I go!
I suddenly hear music through the house and know the mood is being set, I remember seeing the chains hanging from the upper railing.
I return to You as expected, You inspect me approvingly. I kneel before You, You lean forward to hug me, You kiss me before we discuss boundaries, hard limits and safe words. You are in tune with me, remembering that this will allow me to feel the trust I need before our scene is to begin.
I stripped before You, only wearing 4 inch black heels, sexiness and sensuality come over me. I am now ready to receive my Punishment.
You place the bondage cuffs around each wrist and hang me from each chain, a blind fold now covers my eyes. I feel my surroundings become dark, anticipation has now overcome me. I know that You have Your various floggers, crops and other nasty toys that will be placed upon my flesh. I will accept with dignity and grace all upon me.
You start softly, warming my flesh, each impact becoming warmer, each spot reminding me like a muscle remembers a dance routine. You bring the leather flogger to my nose, I inhale the beautiful smell of the leather, oh how I love that smell, and You ask me if I remember Her and I said "Yes Sir".
You catch me by surprise, something not easily done! I feel 3 very intense *slap, slap, slap* on my flesh, my ass, my back, my breasts, my pussy each strike harder and stronger than the first. I suddenly find myself twisting and turning, something I have not done with Sir before. I find myself "in my head, now wondering how Sir will further Punish me for moving around." I am no longer sure which direction I am; You say to me, "Return to your spot!" I do, or so I thought. You ask again, "Try again". I say "Sir, I seem to have become confused in my sense of direction" You whisper in my ear "I know, see if you can figure it out". I take a minute, but Sir is wanting me to return to my original spot. I become flustered and ask Sir if I can have assistance. He assists me and returns me to where I need to be, spreading my legs.
Sir fingers my pussy and says "Slut, you're very wet; did you expect to cum?" I'm now wiggling as Sir is playing with my clit and I answer with "No, Sir".
Sir looks into my eyes and says to me, "Given that you are on orgasm denial Sweet One, you best not let a single drop of cum release from your pussy, or a further Punishment will await you, With that said, Sir shoves His fingers into my mouth for me to clean and lick them of my juices.
Sir decides that this scene is now complete and He removes me from the cuffs and chains. I already had my water/juice, chocolate and other goodies waiting for me, and Sir has a blanket waiting for me to cuddle with Him.
Sir says says to me awhile later, "I have another scene that awaits you upstairs...."
April 24, 2011
Today was a milestone for me!~
I had decided to go to our local park with my dogs. Something not out of the ordinary, but what was different, was the location and size of this particular park that I very impromptu chose.
The scene was a luscious and green Sunday morning, it had started to drizzle out which was a bit disheartening due to the weather being so gorgeous on Saturday. But I wanted to make sure my dogs had a good run and play time. So my boyfriend who also hadn't been to this particular park and I made the decision to go here.
I show C the map of where we were and made sure to grab the necessary doggie bags, cell phone etc. and off we went. The grey clouds and drizzle hadn't lifted and it was clear they weren't going to. But I was determined to go on this walk.
So on our walk we go! We come up to a bridge and underneath is a running stream that has been set up for salmon and trout fry to swim through so I only allowed my dogs to drink from the creek.
I had seen that from where we were to where we were going was 250 m. So that was just one part, the trails are broken up so a person can calculate if necessary and it gave me a sense of accomplishment when I reached one section. We get to the end of the 250meters and check the map and make our way back which was another 300meters, my dogs meanwhile are having a lot of fun, my Jack Russell saw his prey, a black squirrel out fresh from Winter hibernation, oh I knew quite well that Blaze didn't have a chance in getting close to Mr. Black Squirrel, but just watching him try to follow him through dense forest was amusing to say the least.
So within a period of time and conversation, we make it to the end of the 300meters. I have now broken a sweat, and it dawns on me that I have gone 550meters! I figured I would calculate the final numbers when I got home, but for now I was pleased as punch at this accomplishment!
At the end I realize that I had forgotten to calculate where my car was to where our first destination was and figured it was about 150 to 250 meters; so that gave me even more incentive to want to figure all this out to miles. So when I get to the top where the car was parked I proceed to see what was what in terms of meters etc. Nothing definite was found but based on what we just walked we had figured that from the parking lot down the hill, through the trails to the open field, follow the field to the bridge with the creek, was probably a good 200 meters!
I had accomplished 750 to 800 meters! Well, I was so happy with everything, I had this perma-grin stuck to my face!! Me, of all people after having surgery, being on bed rest for the last 6 weeks, deciding to start Weight Watchers this week, had walked without intention of walking quite this much my first week out, had just walked over 3 miles!
All this plus calculating and learning the new points program has made me pretty happy this week :)
I had decided to go to our local park with my dogs. Something not out of the ordinary, but what was different, was the location and size of this particular park that I very impromptu chose.
The scene was a luscious and green Sunday morning, it had started to drizzle out which was a bit disheartening due to the weather being so gorgeous on Saturday. But I wanted to make sure my dogs had a good run and play time. So my boyfriend who also hadn't been to this particular park and I made the decision to go here.
I show C the map of where we were and made sure to grab the necessary doggie bags, cell phone etc. and off we went. The grey clouds and drizzle hadn't lifted and it was clear they weren't going to. But I was determined to go on this walk.
So on our walk we go! We come up to a bridge and underneath is a running stream that has been set up for salmon and trout fry to swim through so I only allowed my dogs to drink from the creek.
I had seen that from where we were to where we were going was 250 m. So that was just one part, the trails are broken up so a person can calculate if necessary and it gave me a sense of accomplishment when I reached one section. We get to the end of the 250meters and check the map and make our way back which was another 300meters, my dogs meanwhile are having a lot of fun, my Jack Russell saw his prey, a black squirrel out fresh from Winter hibernation, oh I knew quite well that Blaze didn't have a chance in getting close to Mr. Black Squirrel, but just watching him try to follow him through dense forest was amusing to say the least.
So within a period of time and conversation, we make it to the end of the 300meters. I have now broken a sweat, and it dawns on me that I have gone 550meters! I figured I would calculate the final numbers when I got home, but for now I was pleased as punch at this accomplishment!
At the end I realize that I had forgotten to calculate where my car was to where our first destination was and figured it was about 150 to 250 meters; so that gave me even more incentive to want to figure all this out to miles. So when I get to the top where the car was parked I proceed to see what was what in terms of meters etc. Nothing definite was found but based on what we just walked we had figured that from the parking lot down the hill, through the trails to the open field, follow the field to the bridge with the creek, was probably a good 200 meters!
I had accomplished 750 to 800 meters! Well, I was so happy with everything, I had this perma-grin stuck to my face!! Me, of all people after having surgery, being on bed rest for the last 6 weeks, deciding to start Weight Watchers this week, had walked without intention of walking quite this much my first week out, had just walked over 3 miles!
All this plus calculating and learning the new points program has made me pretty happy this week :)
April 3, 2011
The "Hanging In there Princess"
I was watching a couple of shows tonight, two of which I've not watched in forever! I found myself giddy with excitement and in a ton of ways it helped me to realize that the pain I have been dealing with post surgery from my hysterectomy has not taken away my enjoyment of things! This made me incredibly happy!!
I've have been having a very hard time dealing with my emotional mood swings and the ensuing roller coaster that I haven't been able to get off of. That is, until today! I had gone and picked up the medication that my family doctor had called in for me and fingers crossed I will hopefully start to feel more like myself. It is one thing to be hormonal when you have your reproductive girlie bits, but it is entirely different when not only dealing with with the various issues I am but add one more thing on top and its like BAM!
Sex, I've not been able to enjoy the intimacy of sex for weeks now. It has been strange not being able to enjoy whatever you want whenever you want. But with the mood swings and hot flashes etc I have been learning to address, sometimes remembering about sex doesn't seem like a priority. I feel like pretty soon I am going to have to make a yellow sticky of all the things I want to do and place them through my house LOL!
I am heading into week 4 now post surgery and I am hoping to start to return more to myself. But depending on who you speak to, it could really be similar to what I have been dealing with the last 3 weeks *sigh*.
Life sure deals you with a variety of curve balls, and I know that the Universe has a hand in all of this as well, just never know what the true intentions are until you are ready to see what the path laid out before one is.
So the best I can do is "hang in there" and be the "Princess" I keep being told I am *giggles*
I've have been having a very hard time dealing with my emotional mood swings and the ensuing roller coaster that I haven't been able to get off of. That is, until today! I had gone and picked up the medication that my family doctor had called in for me and fingers crossed I will hopefully start to feel more like myself. It is one thing to be hormonal when you have your reproductive girlie bits, but it is entirely different when not only dealing with with the various issues I am but add one more thing on top and its like BAM!
Sex, I've not been able to enjoy the intimacy of sex for weeks now. It has been strange not being able to enjoy whatever you want whenever you want. But with the mood swings and hot flashes etc I have been learning to address, sometimes remembering about sex doesn't seem like a priority. I feel like pretty soon I am going to have to make a yellow sticky of all the things I want to do and place them through my house LOL!
I am heading into week 4 now post surgery and I am hoping to start to return more to myself. But depending on who you speak to, it could really be similar to what I have been dealing with the last 3 weeks *sigh*.
Life sure deals you with a variety of curve balls, and I know that the Universe has a hand in all of this as well, just never know what the true intentions are until you are ready to see what the path laid out before one is.
So the best I can do is "hang in there" and be the "Princess" I keep being told I am *giggles*
February 10, 2011
Catching up
It seems it has been a good month since I last wrote! My how time can move slowly or quickly depending on what you are doing.
I have been dealing with a lot lately. Adjusting to moments in time, been ill with whatever flu has been circulating around, then some day surgery and as you can see all of this takes time to recover from.
As I have been moving forward, I have returned to working out. I went for my first class in 7 months tonight, and it was amazing how much my cardio has decreased, but not to worry I will get it back up there. For me the laughter and friendships was a great moment to enjoy.
Today I also cleaned my house from top to bottom, which is no small feat! So I don't know if this is a form of manic, or just me doing a good day of housework and exercise.
I've not been happy with my body, and with the fibroid growing, it is making me more and more bloated. Something I am not happy about. I "almost" didn't get into my favorite pair of jeans, and I think now that I have the time to perhaps tone up and drop some weight, will help me in my recovery post surgery. No sense wasting the months just waiting for my surgery!
I'm sure, wait I KNOW there is more I could post, but unfortunately this headache of mine won't let me think straight.
Until next time!
I have been dealing with a lot lately. Adjusting to moments in time, been ill with whatever flu has been circulating around, then some day surgery and as you can see all of this takes time to recover from.
As I have been moving forward, I have returned to working out. I went for my first class in 7 months tonight, and it was amazing how much my cardio has decreased, but not to worry I will get it back up there. For me the laughter and friendships was a great moment to enjoy.
Today I also cleaned my house from top to bottom, which is no small feat! So I don't know if this is a form of manic, or just me doing a good day of housework and exercise.
I've not been happy with my body, and with the fibroid growing, it is making me more and more bloated. Something I am not happy about. I "almost" didn't get into my favorite pair of jeans, and I think now that I have the time to perhaps tone up and drop some weight, will help me in my recovery post surgery. No sense wasting the months just waiting for my surgery!
I'm sure, wait I KNOW there is more I could post, but unfortunately this headache of mine won't let me think straight.
Until next time!
January 10, 2011
Stressors
Today was my long awaited appointment with my specialist. I wasn't nervous as I had been wanting this appointment since my ultrasound appointment back in December 2010. The answers are now starting to come in, as is the reality, the mortality of my reproductive years are going to be demising completely. As someone who is involved in a few communities, this does put me "out of commissions" briefly as in a mere few weeks, I think the bigger picture is coming to be adjustment. Adjustments just like changes are never easy for me. My SO is and has been a huge network of support for me. He was able to ask and give answers to questions and get answers to questions as well.
Now I have another appointment later this week it is for another specialist, different from the one I saw today. This one with any luck will be able to coordinate with the one we saw today to combine both procedures. One can only hope.
Let's see what else is happening...
Well my SO and I are discussing various long term matters in our relationship and overall things are progressing well. My only issue is issues that one doesn't have control over and those issues can be very overwhelming triggers in and of themselves. We have spoken about them, and have discussed things like trigger words, options, reasons, deeper understanding as to what specifically is causing the trigger to happen. For myself, this type of conversation is huge, yet I still found myself feeling anxious at the idea that he would disappear, as so many have in my life. Friends, Family, Lovers, Companions, they all have left at one point. I remind myself that the life of my past is not the life of my future, it takes work a lot of work, but I believe that it will be overcome.
Now I have another appointment later this week it is for another specialist, different from the one I saw today. This one with any luck will be able to coordinate with the one we saw today to combine both procedures. One can only hope.
Let's see what else is happening...
Well my SO and I are discussing various long term matters in our relationship and overall things are progressing well. My only issue is issues that one doesn't have control over and those issues can be very overwhelming triggers in and of themselves. We have spoken about them, and have discussed things like trigger words, options, reasons, deeper understanding as to what specifically is causing the trigger to happen. For myself, this type of conversation is huge, yet I still found myself feeling anxious at the idea that he would disappear, as so many have in my life. Friends, Family, Lovers, Companions, they all have left at one point. I remind myself that the life of my past is not the life of my future, it takes work a lot of work, but I believe that it will be overcome.
January 3, 2011
New Years Resolutions
I've never been big on resolutions, I think it is because so much happens in one's life that there are moments where what we wanted to do, it is no longer an option. I have, however, opted to have a Bucket List. This is something that has been helpful to have and being able to add to it at a moments notice is another good thing. I have a ways to go before I get to 100 things I want to do, but for what I have now, I'm pretty pleased with myself..
So I finished up my trip out of town, I can now cross this off my own bucket list as it was on there for a goal to complete. It makes me smile that I did something different.
Unfortunately the downside of travelling, is catching a bug. Yep as luck would have it, I have caught whatever is going around and I am not that thrilled about it. I sound like Kermit the Frog, although some people find a raspy deeper voice to be sexy, at the moment I find it challenging just to get the words out!!
If I were to be keeping a New Years List, I would continue with my journey of repairing the cycle of dysfunction that I have been working on for the last little while. I have been reading something recently and it has been helping and insightful to realize what I have been living through is in fact real, and I am not alone. The path at times has gotten easier yet at other times the path is still painful. Yet I know the road on the other side, however that looks, will continue to be more peaceful as this last little while has been.
I have also made a commitment to volunteer at a place that has lovely people who have the same as I do. A thrift store, which for me I love! The other because I am with people, that "get" me. We aren't pompous or arrogant. We are in some instances middle to hard earning individuals doing the best we can with the limitations we have. Wanting to have the same dignity as everyone else strives for. Now to just get over this bug and I can start that endeavor.
CD comes home this weekend, I am looking forward to that! We have made a commitment to use his exercise equipment. I am looking forward to having someone to work out with again. I miss having that companion to chat with and just share those hard moments where we all need that little bit of a push.
Feel free to post any comments or suggestion you would like for me to chat about!
So I finished up my trip out of town, I can now cross this off my own bucket list as it was on there for a goal to complete. It makes me smile that I did something different.
Unfortunately the downside of travelling, is catching a bug. Yep as luck would have it, I have caught whatever is going around and I am not that thrilled about it. I sound like Kermit the Frog, although some people find a raspy deeper voice to be sexy, at the moment I find it challenging just to get the words out!!
If I were to be keeping a New Years List, I would continue with my journey of repairing the cycle of dysfunction that I have been working on for the last little while. I have been reading something recently and it has been helping and insightful to realize what I have been living through is in fact real, and I am not alone. The path at times has gotten easier yet at other times the path is still painful. Yet I know the road on the other side, however that looks, will continue to be more peaceful as this last little while has been.
I have also made a commitment to volunteer at a place that has lovely people who have the same as I do. A thrift store, which for me I love! The other because I am with people, that "get" me. We aren't pompous or arrogant. We are in some instances middle to hard earning individuals doing the best we can with the limitations we have. Wanting to have the same dignity as everyone else strives for. Now to just get over this bug and I can start that endeavor.
CD comes home this weekend, I am looking forward to that! We have made a commitment to use his exercise equipment. I am looking forward to having someone to work out with again. I miss having that companion to chat with and just share those hard moments where we all need that little bit of a push.
Feel free to post any comments or suggestion you would like for me to chat about!
January 1, 2011
The one we call Karma
My trip has been fantastic. I've taken myself for a pampering of sorts, met new people, experienced some new cuisine and a club where fashion and mayhem meet in the middle. I have loved every moment of that.
The one I have come to spend it with, has gone to great lengths to spend time with me, combined with his own responsibilities as one often has those, there have been moments where I haven't left the hotel room. Now before all my kinkalicious friends think "the dark side" I can assure you no it wasn't that lol.
We had opted to keep our trip under wraps from the family, with all that has gone on as of late, and our relationship budding and developing as it has been, we felt that it wouldn't go over well with the matriarch. Well sure enough, we were right.
Tonight, which happens to be my last night in town, instead of doing something "on the town" celebrating, whether it be dancing til dawn, or walking the streets looking at memorable moments in history, I am in my room, and I keep watching the clock. I am feeling very frustrated and I can't help but feel it is the Goddess karma for we didn't tell anyone in his family I am here, and well I feel that the Goddess wanted me to know that ultimately She is in control not I and so I am alone. My love is not able to tear himself away from family and the responsibilities that are attached to that.
I'm not looking forward to my trip back to the West Coast. Not for not wanting to see my kitten, or my fur boys, just the travel and the changing of planes etc. I did try to change it up yesterday, but the cost involved was far more than I was willing to spend.
I am looking forward to starting my volunteer work this week. I am hopeful to continue getting out there, and making some friends/acquaintances in the community and those that have fibromyalgia as well.
I am considering doing a weight loss program, I would like to lost about 20 pounds and if I can do it before my surgery this year, perhaps that will make the recovery be quicker than if I had the "extra" weight.
Well off to figure out how to add more to my site!
Enjoy yours, stay safe, sane and risk aware!
The one I have come to spend it with, has gone to great lengths to spend time with me, combined with his own responsibilities as one often has those, there have been moments where I haven't left the hotel room. Now before all my kinkalicious friends think "the dark side" I can assure you no it wasn't that lol.
We had opted to keep our trip under wraps from the family, with all that has gone on as of late, and our relationship budding and developing as it has been, we felt that it wouldn't go over well with the matriarch. Well sure enough, we were right.
Tonight, which happens to be my last night in town, instead of doing something "on the town" celebrating, whether it be dancing til dawn, or walking the streets looking at memorable moments in history, I am in my room, and I keep watching the clock. I am feeling very frustrated and I can't help but feel it is the Goddess karma for we didn't tell anyone in his family I am here, and well I feel that the Goddess wanted me to know that ultimately She is in control not I and so I am alone. My love is not able to tear himself away from family and the responsibilities that are attached to that.
I'm not looking forward to my trip back to the West Coast. Not for not wanting to see my kitten, or my fur boys, just the travel and the changing of planes etc. I did try to change it up yesterday, but the cost involved was far more than I was willing to spend.
I am looking forward to starting my volunteer work this week. I am hopeful to continue getting out there, and making some friends/acquaintances in the community and those that have fibromyalgia as well.
I am considering doing a weight loss program, I would like to lost about 20 pounds and if I can do it before my surgery this year, perhaps that will make the recovery be quicker than if I had the "extra" weight.
Well off to figure out how to add more to my site!
Enjoy yours, stay safe, sane and risk aware!
December 27, 2010
The Road Less Travelled
I'm not sure just yet what to title this just yet, I just know that I have some lovely words to put down....
In about 48 hours, I am going to be at place completely different than where, I am now. I am excited at the journey before me, to be somewhere completely new, meeting new people, bringing in the New Year with someone I love and want to share the experience with.
The company will be eclectic, and I am sure lots of stories will be told. I feel like a new piece of candy, but oh so much more than the "flavor of the week". I feel like I have always wished to feel on the inside but never said to the world vocally. I feel giddy and smile a lot when I think of the one I am going to see and feel so happy that he "gets me", yet he encourages me, pushes me, yet doesn't force me into moments that may trigger a moment that will easily upset me. He supports all that I wish to do and I have this sense of empowerment at not just myself in what I can do, but to have someone who walks beside me and I not walk ahead or behind, is a feeling I have longed for.
Travelling, something I haven't done in years...... a journey awaits!
In about 48 hours, I am going to be at place completely different than where, I am now. I am excited at the journey before me, to be somewhere completely new, meeting new people, bringing in the New Year with someone I love and want to share the experience with.
The company will be eclectic, and I am sure lots of stories will be told. I feel like a new piece of candy, but oh so much more than the "flavor of the week". I feel like I have always wished to feel on the inside but never said to the world vocally. I feel giddy and smile a lot when I think of the one I am going to see and feel so happy that he "gets me", yet he encourages me, pushes me, yet doesn't force me into moments that may trigger a moment that will easily upset me. He supports all that I wish to do and I have this sense of empowerment at not just myself in what I can do, but to have someone who walks beside me and I not walk ahead or behind, is a feeling I have longed for.
Travelling, something I haven't done in years...... a journey awaits!
December 25, 2010
Feelings
Today is Christmas... a joyous day for many, and sad for others. For many they are alone, without the love of family or friends.
I happen to be one of the ones who is alone, not because I want to be but because of a single word that I have come to realize has stopped me from growing outside of my personal bubble and box.
The journey now begins, and the road will be hard, but like any path of discovery, there is always a bit of pain before you can see the waterfall and rainbows, as well as having a sense of inner peace about oneself.
I am forever amazed at how words can hold us back, keep us frozen in time to a world that you know doesn't exist any longer, yet the words or perhaps word has decided to bury itself deep within your inner brain (that recording of negativity) and it starts to play those words and before you know it, the noise starts.
Taking the tools learned over time, you apply them, but some of the negative thoughts are tougher than the ones you got rid of, and now one has to arm herself with stronger tools. Where does one go to learn how to fight that battle?
I have read that being with people who truly love you for you, that don't want anything from you other than being in your company. Yet, the struggle to accept what is being said in a positive fashion seems like a lifetime ago, and acceptance at what you haven't heard in so long seems like a foreign land.
I am lucky, I have found the love of someone who sees through the negative, he describes me as someone who has some rough edges. I like that, it reminds me of a diamond before it is cleaned up and smoothed ready to be presented to someone to buy.
I am blessed to have the love of a few friends that truly like me for me, and aren't afraid to remind me when I am sounding "stuck". I have had a lot to process in the last few months and it has been overwhelming and I am glad to have their support. I honestly don't think I would get through some days without them.
So today is Christmas and yes it hasn't been easy on my feelings, but I recognize that it is still a day for children to listen to them squeal in delight at the toys Santa has left them, or to watch your beloved pet, put up with all those lovely bows that were once on presents and they are now willing to wear them so that we as people can smile and feel like they are being included.
I am hopeful the New Year will bring me further on my path of self discovery.
I happen to be one of the ones who is alone, not because I want to be but because of a single word that I have come to realize has stopped me from growing outside of my personal bubble and box.
The journey now begins, and the road will be hard, but like any path of discovery, there is always a bit of pain before you can see the waterfall and rainbows, as well as having a sense of inner peace about oneself.
I am forever amazed at how words can hold us back, keep us frozen in time to a world that you know doesn't exist any longer, yet the words or perhaps word has decided to bury itself deep within your inner brain (that recording of negativity) and it starts to play those words and before you know it, the noise starts.
Taking the tools learned over time, you apply them, but some of the negative thoughts are tougher than the ones you got rid of, and now one has to arm herself with stronger tools. Where does one go to learn how to fight that battle?
I have read that being with people who truly love you for you, that don't want anything from you other than being in your company. Yet, the struggle to accept what is being said in a positive fashion seems like a lifetime ago, and acceptance at what you haven't heard in so long seems like a foreign land.
I am lucky, I have found the love of someone who sees through the negative, he describes me as someone who has some rough edges. I like that, it reminds me of a diamond before it is cleaned up and smoothed ready to be presented to someone to buy.
I am blessed to have the love of a few friends that truly like me for me, and aren't afraid to remind me when I am sounding "stuck". I have had a lot to process in the last few months and it has been overwhelming and I am glad to have their support. I honestly don't think I would get through some days without them.
So today is Christmas and yes it hasn't been easy on my feelings, but I recognize that it is still a day for children to listen to them squeal in delight at the toys Santa has left them, or to watch your beloved pet, put up with all those lovely bows that were once on presents and they are now willing to wear them so that we as people can smile and feel like they are being included.
I am hopeful the New Year will bring me further on my path of self discovery.
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